Linzi's Story

I left my husband 4 years ago and shortly after found out that I was pregnant. I could not believe it! We had been together for 10 years and married for 7 of them. The last 7 spent trying for a family.

I will never forgive myself for terminating that pregnancy. At the time it did not seem like such a good idea to have a baby as I was in a terrible state due to the break up of my marriage.

A year later I met Lee and within 6 months found out I was pregnant. What a shock! We were both overjoyed, scared and giddy with the thought of having a baby. We kept it a secret and at 3 months I had a miscarriage. Because we had not told anyone except our family, it was extremely difficult to cope with other people i.e. being aroud expectant mothers, newborn babies, etc. Eventually, one by one we told and people got to hear of what had happened. This was a very difficult time for us.

Within a year I was pregnant again and this time miscarried at 8 weeks. On this occasion we told people straight away that I was pregnant hoping it would be easier. It wasn't! People avoided us like the plague!!

Within a couple of months I was expecting again - oh boy surely nothing could/would happen this time? Things progressed well although when I had to go for my 20 week scan I was violently sick (the first and only time!) I just had a terribel feeling that something would be wrong - it wasn't! Throughout my 30 week pregnancy I put on 3 stone in weight (and am still trying to loose most of it) I was always slim and started to show quite soon. Around 25 weeks I went on sick leave from work due to swelling. I kept every single appointments and my BP was always fine although I always complained of extreme heartburn 247.

I loved it so much when Ellie was "dancing". She loved the sound of her Fathers voice and was always more active on a weekend when we saw each other (this was due to the fact that we were in the process of renovating a house and had both moved back home with parents so only spent weekends together). Everyone kept telling me to rest (as my ankles were very swollen) and I did. A couple of weeks before Christmas I accidently fell over. I pretended I was OK but it really gave me a fright at how easily things can happen. All I wanted was to protect the baby inside me. On Monday 18 December 2000 I had a routine appointment with my Consultant - all OK. When I got up on Friday morning my Mum commented on how swollen I looked, especially my face. I said that I felt fine - which I did (although I had not felt Ellie moving inside me that morning - I thought she must have been asleep). Mum insisted that she telephone the hospital - you see for the past 6 weeks or so I was so sick and tired of people telling me to rest, asking if I was feeling OK, etc - I WAS FED UP OF EVERYONE "FUSSING" - I thought she was over reacting - again.

They told Mum to take me in for a check just to be on the safe side. I drudged in behind Mum (wearing Lee's shoes - size 8 to my 6 as I couldn't get into my own), feeling that I was wasting their precious time and that they had more important things to do and people to tend to. I was asked t lie on the bed and the midwife put amonitor on my bump. She said that she could not hear a heartbeat. I did not think anything of this. A a portable scanner was brought in and again they said that theycould not find a heartbeat - again I lay there thinking nothing was wrong.

I remember and extremeley important looking rather "large" lady coming into the room with a much larger scanner. She said "I'm sorry but I cannot see a heartbeat". Still it did not sink in. Before I knew it I had a drip on, a catheter in and my Consulant standing at the bottom of my bed saying I would have to deliver my dead baby. The "dead" baby that was inside me. The "dead" baby that had been growing, kicking, dancing, listening, laughing and loving inside me. My baby. Our baby. Where was Lee. What would he say. Would he still love me. Would he still want me. God how I'd let him down. I let his baby die. I didn't lok after her enough. I didn't rest enough. I fell down. I smoked. I loved, wanted and needed my baby.

Everything seemed to fast forward from there. Surely they were not going to put me through labour with nothing to show for it at the end. I'm so pleased they did. As I've read many times in peoples storys/diaries "It's not beneficial to have a c-section as it will damage your muscles and will not be good for any future pregnancies". Ha, future pregnancies - where are they? My BP was being monitored every 5 minutes. At one point it went off the scale - over 200. I could not keep still. I was shaking so much with shock I'm sure they were considering strapping me to the bed! I was in labour for approximatley 3 hours 20 mins (I wish I could remember exactly). What a joy. I would do it all again tomorrow and would, just to be able to hold her again, to look at her face, study her features. She looked just like her Dad.

Ellie was born at 09.19 on Saturday morning weighing 2lb 5.5 oz. I love her and miss her very much and wish she was here now, lying in her pram outisde in the beautiful sunshine. I never thought that at the age of 34 I would be arranging the funeral of my daughter. The next day I wanted to see her but was afraid of what she might look like. The midwives at the hospital were great. One even cried at Ellies blessing (Katy Mclardy). I wish I could go back to then. Even the heartache I have experienced since, I would gladly go through again just to see and hold my little girl.

Writing this has been extremely difficult for me as it has brought back all the emotions I experienced with Ellie (before, during and after), but I am pleased for it. It's as if I want to feel all the pain time and time again. I feel as though its a bit of a punichment for me. Other Mums who have written their stories are very strong and brave to do so. I am going through an ectopic miscarriage at present. The joy of finding out I was pregnat again was such a rush - I can't wait for the next time. All I want is my baby. I have not and do not want to return to work. Too much has passed since then. Thaks for giving me this chance.

Linzi X