This story is dedicated to my sweet precious and beautiful baby girl
who died on 27 October 1997. Her name was Rebecca Leanne Taylor.
I have written this story, as written in my pregnancy diary, almost
word for word. It is long because it is from the day we decided to try
for a baby.
19 May 1997, Santorini, GREECE
Yesterday was quite a day. One I'll never forget. David has finally decided
that he's ready to have a child together, so yesterday for the first time
in my life I had sex (with no contraception) knowing that I may fall pregnant.
I kept breaking out with a six inch grin. I've waited so long to have
a baby. I had told David that once I turned 30 that I would like to start
a family. I turned 30 in April. David is excited about it. He hasn't stopped
talking about the if's and when's of falling pregnant. In fact, he keeps
bringing it up!! I feel so happy.
20 May 1997
Last night we picked out some names. We like Daniel. David wants his name
in his son's name, so we thought Daniel Luke David Taylor but finished
with Jason David Taylor after my little brother. Jason was stillborn when
I was three years old. My mother never got over him. For a girl we thought
Rachel Leanne Taylor. Leanne is my middle name. It's funny, since yesterday,
I feel different. I asked David if he feels the same. He does. It's almost
as if we now know for sure, we both want each other forever. I feel so
calm and relaxed. Well, here's hoping it's not a three year wait. We changed
the girls name again. Finally, Rebecca Leanne Taylor.
25 May 1997, Kos, GREECE
Thought we'd better head back to London or even home (New Zealand) so
we could set ourselves up and prepare ourselves, financially, for a baby.
28 May 1997, London, ENGLAND
Arrived today from Athens. We definitely are going home. Depart Saturday,
31st for LAX then rest then finally home. Staying 3 days in LAX.
5 June 1997, Auckland, NEW ZEALAND
Home again. Haven't told a sole we're coming. Wait 'til they find out
why we're home!!!
25? June 1997
Had two pregnancy tests at the doctors and they're negative. Bummer. I
was sure I was pregnant!
2 July 1997, Warkworth, NEW ZEALAND
Very sore breasts. Woke up a little nautious. Had been out for a few drinks
but I was under the limit (only two glasses of bourbon and coke over a
few hours). I shouldn't feel sick.
3 July 1997
VERY SORE BREASTS! Found out today I'm pregnant!!! Widdling constantly.
I had been widdling for a while but thought it was the change in climate
(Summer in Greece to Winter in Auckland). Woke up again yukky.
4 July 1997
Yukky again. And during the day.
6 July 1997
Discovered 'excitement' is agony. Think I'll wait.
8 July 1997
I keep bloating a bit. My boobs aren't throbbing but still a little sore.
Had no more nautiousness like before. First scan today!!! It's in its
little yolk sack and I'm about 5 ½ weeks. Due 7 March. It's so
tiny at the moment. The scan showed nothing really. I just can't believe
I'm pregnant. (I later was told maybe the 6th).
3 August 1997
I've been quite ill. I can't get up early in the morning. If I do, I vomit.
I've vomited three times and been extremely nautious. I've had pins and
needles really badly at night. It's in both hands and won't go away. I
haven't been sleeping because of the agony. I went and saw Kate (Doctor).
Apparently, it's something to do with fluid. It's called Carpal Tunnel
Syndrome. She said it's not going to go away and will get worse as the
pregnancy progresses. In fact as it gets hotter and closer to summer it
will get worse. I have to wear wrist splints on both hands at night which
go from the middle of my fingers to below my elbows. I wear them to sleep
in, to stop my wrists bending. It's when they bend that the pins and needles
start. Apparently it will probably continue after the baby. I told her
I was having pain similar to kidney pain. She said that's just my body
changing. I'm nine weeks pregnant now. My baby is about 3cm long now!!
It's so exciting and really very amazing. The way in which it is growing
is unreal. My hair has suddenly got a little dandruff and I am easily
snuffed up (nose). Fun, fun, fun. I'm felling sick constantly throughout
the morning, afternoon, and evening. Decided I would rather have my baby
in hospital than the birthing unit.
4 August 1997
I have been so grumpy lately. I take it out on David and blame him and
nag him. When I'm starting to stress out. He needs to give me a hug but
instead he fights back. Then it escalates. Not good for our relationship.
12 August 1997
Haven't been as nautious as I was, just in short bursts. Very lethargic.
Tired constantly. I'm ten weeks and two days now. Sherry phoned last night
(Kiwi friend living in Switzerland). She's really pleased I'm pregnant.
Thinks I'm jammy. She can't believe I've fallen so quickly. My stomach
is protruding quite a bit but maybe it's just my own fat blurter stomach!
My sense of smell is totally off. Last week I mashed boiled eggs to include
in David's lunch. This week it makes me reach and reach. Made my favourite
last night, pumpkin soup. Lifted the lid and gagged and gagged. Walked
into Woolworths supermarket yesterday and floated around the store following
the trail of garlic. Today, gagging! Still can't get up early. It's really
hard to get comfortable with these arm splints. I'm not sleeping very
well. Neither is David. Still snuffed up.
29 August 1997
I'm coming up to my 13th week this Sunday. I'm feeling much better now.
I threw up last weekend but that was overeating! Ha ha. That will teach
me to gorge myself. I'm ready to start work now. I still can't buy anything.
I've bought absolutely nothing for the baby. Zero. My baby has now formed
whole hands, fingers, feet and toes and is constantly kicking and squirming
now - I just can't feel it. I still can't believe its real. Maybe after
the next scan I'll believe it. I go and see Kate Monday. I'm hoping she
will be able to hear the heart beating. I'm worried. I need to know my
baby's ok. My hands aren't hurting as much now. I'm not wearing the splints
but just keep my hands bent slightly back when sleeping. It works most
of the time.
1 September 1997
Went to see Kate for the last time. She only looks after me for the first
trimester. She told me I'll be 14 weeks on Friday. I can't work these
blimen' weeks out. I asked to listen to the heartbeat of my baby. David
and I both heard the little heart beating, loud and clear. 'He' then disappeared,
swimming away so we couldn't find him. We could only hear him faintly
then, but it was a strong beat. It feels real now. I keep breaking out
in a big grin thinking about the sound. It really is amazing and SO exciting.
I can't wait for the next scan. That's at 18 weeks.
22 September 1997
Haven't worn my rings for some time. Fingers are too fat! Went for a scan!
That was really exciting. Baby is growing fine. Videoed it. Saw his hand
in full, moving, and a beautiful shot of his face. Couldn't tell whether
it was a boy or girl. David and I thought we looked at the bladder area.
It looked like a girls. Then again we could be looking at the wrong part.
Went home and watched the video. Radiologist forgot to press record again
and missed all the beautiful face etc. I cried and cried and cried. I
couldn't stop all night. David and I argued. As usual lately, he fought
with me instead of supporting me. He took my anger as anger at him, instead
of frustration over not having the one-off shots. He just can't understand
the feeling of expectation, waiting week after week for the opportunity
to see my baby and being able to play my video over the coming months,
to then find it's not there. And I'll probably never get that particular
shot of the baby again. I rung the radiologist. She will do that part
of the scan again.
23 September 1997
Blood Pressure (BP) 130/70. Little protein.
26 September 1997
Met my midwife, Sue. Really lovely. Decided to have my baby at National
Womens Hospital. If something happens during labour they have all the
equipment. Sue said I need to drink TEN glasses of water a day. My fingers
are swollen. I can feel it. I also have to walk 20-30 minutes, three times
a day. Listened on a speaker to baby kicking!! He was giving BIG kicks
- I felt nothing!
11 October 1997
Had Paul and Leeanne, Mark and Irene over for a barbeque. I was a complete
bitch the whole day with David. Really rude to him, treated him like an
idiot etc. He was burning the kebabs that I had taken real care in making.
I had a real fit. I was really rude and standoffish for the rest of the
day. They were sitting around the kitchen table at one stage, drinking,
getting quite drunk, SCREAMING at each other. I had had enough. I was
so tired too which didn't help. By 9.00pm they took the hint, had had
enough of me, and left.
12 October 1997
I was so upset with myself, and David was furious with me. We had a huge
row last night. I rung both couples at 8.30am. Leeane wasn't available
to talk with me. She didn't return my call. Irene just said mmm and that
was it, then hung up. Later in the day, we went around to P&L's. Leeanne
wasn't there and hadn't returned my call. Paul didn't care less. I apologised
and tried to talk about it. He was very standoffish. I cried and cried
and cried. (Later, David and I realised that it was the Pre-eclampsia
setting in. I told David that if they were real friends they would have
asked what the heck was wrong with me, not wiped me. Neither couple contacted
us even later on.)
16 October 1997
I haven't written for a while. We moved back to Auckland from up North
in September. My body has many changes now. Emotionally I have been a
mess. Absolute turmoil. Went to the doctor about the stress, fits of anger,
depression, crying and crying etc. David has just fought back rather than
being overly and extra supportive. He's got NO idea how to be an expectant
father. He just carries on as if I'm not pregnant. Right down to the housework.
NOTHING gets done unless I do it. I'm physically exhausted from 3pm. By
7.30pm falling asleep. 8.30 in bed or trying to stay up. I stink below
all the time, and now have to shower nightly as well as in the morning.
It doesn't help. I still smell. I'm nearly 20 weeks (I think) now. My
belly is growing. A size 16 doesn't fit around the belly (shirts). My
belly button is jelly inside and feels hard on the edge when I walk. You
can actually feel it moving. The corners of my mouth have cracked and
gone scabby. It is starting to go now. I've massive migraines. I think
they occur if I don't eat for a few hours. Nightmares. Some horrific leaving
me crying afterwards. Now I've had lumps under my arms. I think they're
those sweat lumps. They're large like a marble. Bending over is awkward
as the baby is sitting very low. Shaving my legs is uncomfortable - already.
Size 18 knickers just fit. Baby Expo is this weekend. Hopefully I'll get
ideas. Time is flying. I need it to slow down a little. Get quite big
bags under my eyes. They water a lot and make me blink. Feeling very tired.
Driving for a long time (1 hour) is uncomfortable and very tiring. I feel
little kicks now. More so in bed. I think like little butterflies. I can
feel it though. David can't from the outside. I'm finding this exciting
as they're obviously not uncomfortable yet - the kicks I mean. My sense
of smell has been strong for months. Love hokey pokey ice-cream now. Orange
Chocolate Chip is finally out, as is everything jaffa. Love fresh fruit
salad. HAD to make chocolate crackles the other day after walking down
the cereal isle at PaknSave. Loathe the smell and taste of mince pies.
Yuk. Pins and needles are back in full force. Thinking of having acupuncture!!
Will ask Sue about it when I see her. Sitting up at the computer is awkward.
Feet swell a lot. Shoes are too tight already. Fingers swell a lot. Getting
excited and nervous now.
18 October 1997
Feet very sore and swollen after walking at the Baby Expo.
21 October 1997
Had scan today as 16 week video wasn't completed. My baby MIGHT be a girl.
Everything looked fine.
22 October 1997
Feet very swollen in morning. Couldn't bend my feet in my court (office)
shoes. Got a terrible headache. Turning into a migraine.
23 October 1997
I'm on my feet at work, yesterday also. My feet are so swollen. I'm really
in agony. The girls told me to sit with my feet up for a while. They looked
like little old ladies. You know how they stick up over their shoes? Have
my appointment at midwifes today. Still got a headache. Had it since yesterday.
I'm 20 weeks and five days. Sue wasn't happy with swelling and protein
in urine. Blood pressure high she said. Told me I have to have tests at
National Womens Hospital for Pre-Eclampsia. I wasn't too worried. Told
her I'd go home and have a shower and dinner before I go in as I knew
I'd be there a while. She offered to drive me as I couldn't get hold of
David. I said no, that's okay. She said ring her if he's not home. I said
I'd call David's sister or his Mum if he wasn't home. He was home and
had cooked dinner. Sue rang and spoke to him. Apparently she told him
to keep me very calm. I WAS calm. Why not? Apparently my BP was 140/100,
protein was 3+ at 5.30pm when I saw Sue. Well, they've admitted me. I
have to do a 24 hour urine test. Plus blood tests. David finally went
home at 10.00pm. He had to be up at 6am. Dr Ray Naden came and saw me
at 10.30pm. The news wasn't good. David and I had NO IDEA how serious.
I have got Pre-Eclampsia, but it seems its very rare to have it this early.
Normally it's 30weeks or so and they would just bring the baby on. My
baby has to get to 25 weeks. That's the earliest they can bring a baby
on and she must weigh 500 grams. A pound of butter. Because I'm leaking
fluid (the swelling) the average you can hold out is two weeks. We need
a miracle. It's a probability that my baby is going to die. I rung David,
crying, and told him our baby's probably going to die. He came straight
back to the hospital. Ray explained it again to David. David stayed the
night.
[Blood Pressure (BP) 160/114. 3+ protein. Oedema (swelling). Migraine
for 8 days - Wednesday prior. Nautious. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (nerves
get extra pressure) for 3 mths. 10pm BP 160/110 and around 140/100. Given
Nifedipin Oros - anti-hypertension to bring BP down. Not successful. Blood
test fine. Check liver, kidneys, fine. 24 hr urine sample. Also checked
for underlying condition which can predispose me to Pre-Eclampsia. Told
I would be her for atleast one month then bring baby on, but we have to
get to a month. Mucked up 24hr urine, start it again.]
24 October 1997
Went for a scan today. It looks like my baby is a girl. She's kicking
and moving. The scan showed she's at the bottom of the average scale.
This can mean two things. Firstly that she is growing ok but just a very
small baby. Secondly, that she's started deteriorating. If she goes under
the scales average, but small size, they can't save her. Now we have to
wait and see if she's growing normally. I don't think we'll know for two
weeks. We know that I will keep on swelling. It also depends on whether
my body can keep on going. As soon as it becomes life threatening for
me, they'll give up. My baby HAS to get to 500 grams. I'm upset and stressed.
Really chewed up. I just can't cry now. It won't come. David rung friends
and family and explained. None of the friends came and saw me. Headache
all day. BP 150/105 average for 24 hours. Scan - lower end of scale for
size but not under. Kidneys normal, liver abnormal features suggestive.
Haemangiomas - unrelated to pregnancy. Baby kicking fine. Fluid around
her normal. Started Heparin injections in tummy (improve blood supply
through placenta - in theory only as not proven. 150mg aspirin daily.
Baby's estimated weight 333gms.
25 October 1997
Had sharp and cranky pains today. Not sure if it's my bowel playing up
as that shut down Thursday. They're not sure if it's my liver. Nifedipine
Oros still. 3+ protein. Migraine. BP 150/100. Physiotherapy for carpal
tunnel. Finished 24hr urine collection.
26 October 1997
2.00am? They've woken me up. My blood platelets have now changed. I'm
in trouble. I'm in a lot of pain too now that they've woken me up. My
liver is in agony. The Pre-Eclampsia is attacking it. The livers on its
way out. They've said it's time. They have to bring Rebecca on. She is
going to die. I rung David at home. He's taking Nicole (his daughter aged
7) and Alex (cousin aged 5) to his sisters. He'll be right up. Blood platelets
dropped means PE ongoing. Urate went up.
26 October 1997
Morning. Feeling really down. Have cried and cried this morning. They
have stuck the epidural in for the pain and a line in one hand for ingoing.
A line in the other hand for blood. I have a cathetor? for urine. All
my family has been great, calling and visiting. Lesley (sister) even visited.
They are going to bring me on and I will have to go into labour. Epigastric
pain by 5pm. 5.40pm Rob Buiss came to say not looking good. 4+ protein
in urine. 9.30pm AST - liver function started to rise - liver damage.
24hr urine result - 2.37 gms per day - protein. Normal is less than .2gms
protein per day. BP 150/100. Rob told me things weren't looking good and
that pregnancy me have to end. Last day of Heperin. Sleeping by 11.30.
27 October 1997
Aged 21 weeks and two days. 6.28pm. My little girl, Rebecca Leanne Taylor
was born but had died. Something we had to do or I would have died too.
She weighed 310 grams. Her little nose looked exactly like Nicoles. We
really make beautiful babies. She had perfectly beautiful hands, long
and bony fingers made for the piano. Lovely little toes even with the
little creases at the joints. Little nails. She even had little little
strands of hair. Eyebrows and little moustache hair follicles. She was
so clean. David watched her being born. He said later he would have liked
to have cut the cord but didn't think it was appropriate. She was placed
in a blanket and given to me to hold by Lissa, the midwife. When Rebecca
was born, Lissa said several times that she's beautiful, she's a perfect
little girl. I thought for a moment that she had lived. But David said
no, she's dead. I didn't believe she was beautiful until he said it. Then
he held me and we cried and cried and cried. When Lissa gave the baby
I didn't want it to end. David couldn't hold her. Something happened,
I think with the placenta. Lissa said I had to put her down, the basket
wasn't there to put her in yet so she quickly took her out of my arms
and thrust her into Davids arms. It was wonderful. He broke down. He loved
holding her. Love surrounded our little girl. It helped our healing. It
let David's grief come out thank God. We've agreed to a Post Mortem to
find out if the baby has caused the Pre-Eclampsia. I never looked at Rebecca
again. David said he looked at her constantly. We didn't let anyone see
Rebecca. She was our little baby. Only for us to share. I had to go to
theatre later that night as the Placenta was still inside. As my body
wasn't ready for birth everything has to be forced upon it. Paul and Leeanne
finally turned up before I went off. They hadn't phoned nor visited previously.
I had been hospital, in the Critical Care Unit for four days. Rob came
back 12.15am of 27th to say liver test rising. Getting worse. We're going
to have to end pregnancy. Phoned David to come back to hospital. 1.45am
game me Dilapan Rod and 400mg Misoprostil to terminate. Gave me arterial
line to artery. 3am liver function tests were worse. Epigastric pain,
given Pethadine for pain. My best friend Pethadine. Maxilon for nautious.
Didn't help. 4am epidural inserted. Urinary Catheter inserted. 5.30am
BP 32/70. Given albumin (protein) because not passing enough urine. 7am
bloods stable. Platelets still dropping. Kept having Misoprostil to try
and induce labour. Started on antibiotics to prevent infection as developed
temperature. 12pm managed to eat. Urine output better. Bloods stable for
pm. BP 140/80 during day. Average BP 150/90. 6.28pm Baby born dead. 7.10pm
Janet, Registrar documented that Placenta not delivered. 9.45pm theatre
to deliver placenta. Lost 400mls blood. 11pm BP 20/70. Contractions of
the uterus during labour cause the death but we'll never know what the
immediate cause was.
28 October 1997
Mark and Irene finally visited me. I feel so hard but feel that David
and I have been let down tremendously by these so called friends. This
was our great time of need. When else do you need friends. When Paul came
last night he said something on the lines of "I thought I'd better
come and see you in case you were going to die and I hadn't spoken to
you". He asked if my mood swings had caused it. I thought you jerk.
Don't you think I have already blamed myself a million times. No, I didn't
cause it. I found it very hard to look at Nicole when she came to visit.
Rebecca looked so like her it was incredible. David had told her at home.
She cried and cried and cried. When she came to see me at the hospital,
she was so strong. Like a tower of strength. She tried so hard to be caring
and strong for me, when it should have been us for her. Lots of Pethadine.
Slept. BP 140/70 and 150/80. Platelets low. Coming back up to normal by
5pm. Liver returning to normal, still high. By 5pm, normal. Evening. Started
back on Heparin. Will stop clotting because of previous queried blood
clots in liver. Still epigastric pain. BP 150-160/70-80. Epidural infusion
stopped, but still in. Still having Pethadine through epidural. Saw Arna,
counsellor to discuss grief issues by myself.
29 October 1997
Seeing no one today. I had people there for hours yesterday, all family.
They exhausted me. I need to deal with my own grief. I have found out
a lot of facts about the Pre-Eclampsia. I have been reading madly. David
had arrived and we were having a serious talk about it. I had told the
midwives, absolutely no visitors, no matter who. David and I had to talk
through a lot of what we were feeling and had to learn. Next minute, tap,
tap, tap on the door and it opens. Leeanne's voice was saying hello as
the door was opening, except it wasn't her head that was popping around
the door! I quickly got up off the bed and said, sorry Leeanne, I'm not
seeing anyone at all today and walked out. (She had originally said she
would be in to see me the day before but didn't turn up). I went down
to the midwives and told them to please sort this out. I told them what
she was carrying. I said I don't want to see her. I went back to my room.
David wasn't too happy with me for being so rude to her. I had a fit.
I told him to get rid of her present. I don't EVER want to see it again.
What did she bring me as a gift with a big smile on her face, two days
after my baby had died? A little cuddly baby teddy bear. That's right.
She was waving a baby teddy bear around the door at me, saying hello,
hello. This woman in her 30's, with a child of her own, brings me a baby
teddy bear. Passing lots of bright red blood clots. CT scan for haemo's
on liver. Okay. Showed fluid on lungs. No haemorage on liver. Continued
on antibiotics. No visitors allowed.
31 October 1997
Had a DNC. Blood normal. BP 120-140/70-96. Home. Daily BP with midwife
at home.
2 November 1997
Home. All I can say right now is that my little girl had to give her life
in order to save mine. She was beautiful. My breasts have been extremely
sore as they were preparing for milk. I've had them bound for a few days
to help dry them up. That old wives remedy worked, thank god. I can't
drive for a week as the blood pressure is erratic. I've also had fluid
on the lungs. The liver is taking a while to come right. My feet are still
swollen. Much better today though. My hands and feet are almost normal.
I'm still bleeding. That can take six weeks. Great! We don't find out
until 18 December if we can have another baby and what chance we have.
A midwife comes around to check my blood pressure.
3 November 1997
10.30pm back to hospital. Cramp pain and heavy bleeding all weekend. BP
145/90. IV again, antibiotics.
4 November 1997
Scan okay. Still on IV antibiotics. Saw Arna. Ray visit for follow up.
20 November 1997
We chose to cremate Rebecca. Only David and I attended. We've had great
support. Paul and Leeanne have not contacted us. It's too late now. I
won't forgive them. I don't need that kind of selfish self-centred friend.
I hurt for David. Irene had rung but I was back in hospital for a few
days. I was very depressed being back, and of course where all the other
mothers were having their babies. Irene rung again after I got out and
talked for about an hour. I feel that maybe they didn't believe it was
so serious. I feel deeply hurt that they especially weren't there for
us in our time of need, and weren't there for support for David. He was
not only watching me dying but also knew his baby was going to die. I
cry often. My heart has been ripped out. David and I both feel that our
little girl was sent to us for a reason. We had fallen off track and were
near the end, close to splitting up. We are close again. Like our first
year. Really loving each other again. We thank Rebecca for helping us.
We love her. We miss her. We'll never forget her.
6 March 1998
Today's the day my little girl was due to be born. I'm feeling angry and
sad, totally chewed up today. It's not fair, that's the most common. Ripped
off, let down, teased. To make me wait so long to choose to have a baby
then go through 21 weeks of the pregnancy then snatch it away. To feel
her kicking joyfully then have it taken away. What's making it harder
is David and I were splitting up while in England. He had decided he didn't
want to have anymore kids. He's happy having Nicole only. We travelled.
He changed his mind. We came home to start a family. I fell pregnant.
My baby died. I don't get another chance. He doesn't want to marry me
and he doesn't want my children. His excuse now is that I nearly died
and he doesn't want to try again. Now the latest is we can't afford to
even after we sell the land. I had been saying that once we sell it I'm
going to have a baby and that's that. He's said well he can't afford to
pay the mortgage on his own if I leave. Basically, leave if you're going
to have another baby. Every day I eat and sleep having a baby. Everybody's
having them - but me. I'm 31 in a month. My mind and life is in turmoil.
When we were in England I said if I have to choose him or a baby, I choose
having a baby. I told him this morning if I can't have a baby I don't
want to have Nicole every second weekend here. He's bought more of my
maternal instinct out by making me act as a part-time mother for the last
five years. Why should he be allowed to sit here and be called Daddy but
I'm not allowed to have another chance to be called Mummy. It's not fair
and I'm so very unhappy. And so lonely.
December 1998
Something I didn't put in my diary but is relevant. My niece (Melissa,
we were very close) had fallen pregnant at the exact same time as me.
She was due on approximately the 3rd or 4th March. Can you believe it.
So of course, I have had to watch her day by day, grow to what I should
have become. She did try not to come over often so I didn't have to see
her, which was very thoughtful. She would just phone. She became overdue
and had developed a rash all over her body. The hospital said she can
choose when to be brought on. Either the 9th or the 7th. She chose the
7th March. Yes. She chose to have her baby on the day my baby was due
to be born. Can you believe it. Just as a nice little reminder for when
Rebecca was due, just in case it ever left my memory.
April 1998
David's decided he wants to have a baby, but not yet.
18 September 1998
Pregnant.
22 September 1998
Miscarried. Early so coped with it fine. Found out on the Friday, miscarried
on the Tuesday at work. Drove myself to National Womens. Never see or
here from my family. They weren't around prior to me getting ill, nor
after. Just while I was in hospital. Never hear from them. They are only
constant stress anyway. Had told them I was pregnant. When I miscarried,
David phoned Melissa and asked her if she could tell the others. She phoned
her mother (Louise) and got her to do it. Louise, who I don't really have
anything to do with, rung that night to see if I was okay. Lesley, my
eldest sister, turned up the very next day with her husband from Te Kuiti.
That was very thoughtful of her and caring. Melissa never called. Debbie
phoned three days later. I had already gone through the grieving and was
back on track. She phones me all sad and down on the phone saying she
is sorry blah blah blah, that is terrible, blah blah blah. I had a fit
at her. I said what kind of sister is she to not ring once to see how
I was, knowing that this is the second baby that I have lost (or something
like that). And to ring me now. I have already grieved and were feeling
okay until you phoned. She said she was told not to ring. I said rubbish,
who by? She couldn't give me an answer. She started bringing a lot of
other crap into it. Can you believe she said this, If I was like that
I would say to you, when Cassandra was born, did you come and see me straight
away. I said that is completely different, your baby was healthy and lived!,
and you are exactly like that because you have said it. We argued. I have
never heard from her again. Melissa didn't bother to phone and didn't
even up to now.
21 December 1998
Merry Christmas Shelley. You're about three weeks pregnant!!! I let out
a whoop when I found out the blood test was positive, but now I only feel
apprehension.
29 December 1998
Having blood tests every two days to check that I am doubling the way
I should be. So far excellent. My midwife is away today and this one said,
not just doubling you're tripling! I said, hey, don't mention that word
triplets. She laughed. Having more tests on Thursday. National Womens
have been unbelievable. When I phoned Lesley (midwife) the other day,
she said come on in and we'll do a blood test. When I found out the results,
she asked what kind of care do I want. Unbelievable. I will go to the
hospital at least once a week for a check up. She said if I need to have
regular scans to feel secure I can, it will be alright for the baby (don't
worry I won't have them too often). I will start on Heperin injections
(in the stomach) daily once we have a heart beat. I have been taking 150mg
of Aspirin daily since before I conceived. Heperin and Aspirin is it.
They are my only saviours. Apparently our chances will increase better
after each baby. I am hoping the miscarriage will have helped add to the
chances. I am not allowed any physical exercise, no stress at all. That's
a bit hard with a partner that fights with you almost every day, a house
that won't sell, land that won't sell and the risk of one income for an
extremely high mortgage. Boobs blimen' sore.
My mother is dead and my father. My sisters offer zero support, nor nieces.
You probably think that is funny me saying my nieces. I am the one that
put on Christmas' every year for them. Made sure they had one. Took them
to the doctor when they were sick. Gave them love. I do dread a little
when I do have a baby as I don't have support from anyone.
